Rufus

Usually we write this blog together, so only if you read super closely will you be able to figure out who is typing. Today however, I will be writing this because I need to say a few things. This is Laura.

When Benjamin and I were dating, Benjamin was a CNA and worked at EIRMC (Eastern Idaho Regional Medical Center). He had one night shift in his schedule every week. Two weeks after we got married, Benjamin took his nursing test and did amazing on it. Then he was an RN! I was used to the night shifts because that is the way it always had been. But 8 months into our marriage, we bought a house in the country. I began to think thoughts like "no one will ever hear me scream..." I would get a little scared at night and needed someone to keep me company. I prayed that I would be able to find comfort or some sort of solution to my problem.

During this same time, my Mom came to visit Idaho. I was at Danielle's house and we got to talking about Danielle's brother-in-law needing to find a home for his puppy. He was a boxer-lab mix. He was 12 weeks old, knew how to sit, was house trained, and knew his name: Rufus.

We went and met him. He had been sleeping (a common occurence for the little guy) and slowly walked around the corner of the house. I sat down on the front lawn and he ran right into my chest, sat down in my lap, and licked me all over my neck and face. Right then I knew I had to have him. I tried to not get excited, but I knew he was supposed to come live with me.

I called Benjamin at the hospital (the first and only time I ever did, which may have been why he was sure there was an accident or something...) and told him to think about it, even though we had already decided it wasn't the best time for us to get a dog. Long story short, we went to see him again and Benjamin let me take him home that day. We spent $100 for him, a large kennel, food/water bowls, a leash, a few collars (including a gentle leader) and a couple of toys.

Then he was mine! And I firmly believe he was an answer to my prayers. I would get on my knees and thank my Heavenly Father for my blessings, especially my new puppy Rufus.

We took him everywhere with us, even places we weren't allowed to (like the time we snuck him into Walmart and he rode down the aisles in the cart!) He came to my in-laws house when went over there for dinner (even though they weren't too excited to be invaded by puppies). He went boating with us, where he got seasick the first time and threw up in the boat---poor little guy.

He leared to play fetch from Charlie, Wes' dog. He learned to shake, lay, relax. We took him on a backpacking trip which is a whole story in itself. He used to run free in our backyard

(which had no fence) and once tried to run off with a pack of coyotes. The only thing that saved him was that we "fixed" him so early that there was no dominance in him. He just laid there so they didn't kill him. We took him bird hunting with my father-in-law's dog Annie. She hunted, he ran around like a crazy dog because he had so much room to run around and smell things. We took him to play with Koda, one of his very best friends (and partners in crime), Danielle's dog.

He was there when I found out I was pregnant with Haley. He would sleep on my belly and snuggle me when hormones made me extra emotional. He gave me comfort, even though I knew that if there ever was an intruder he would just like the guy to death. We would chase each other (although he slowed down to make it more fair as my belly got bigger).

It seemed like everyone was saying to get rid of him, because he would get really jealous when Haley was born. I didn't believe it for a minute. He did great with Haley.

When she got older, Haley would pull on his ears and harass him. She would use him as a pillow and snuggle him. At this point, he kind of tolerated her with the occasional playful moment.

We continued to take our family camping and on little adventures. We once went to the park in Rigby when the grass was completely covered in leaves. Haley was in a carseat asleep while we threw a new rawhide into a huge pile. Rufus dove headfirst into the pile, his top half disappearing, only to return with the rawhide in his mouth and a little dance in his step.

As they got older, Rufus always remained patient and together they would play little games. Haley would take his toy and run. They would watch the world go by out the window. Always kisses, hugs, and sneaking food. If they weren't supervised, they got into trouble that neither would have gotten into alone.

They would play with each other in the backseat on long roadtrips. After the 14 hour drive to San Diego from Idaho, my family began to love him really quickly. My parents would decide to take Rufus to the dog park and as an afterthought remember to ask me if I wanted to go. He loved the dog park and both dog beaches. He would climb all over Scott and sit and stare at Shannon's cat (I think Chloe was the only one who was not as fond of Rufus as the rest of us).

When we moved to Des Moines, we would go to the farmer's market and Rufus would meet tons of other dogs. We would ride the shuttle sometimes, and he would love to watch out the window and sniff everyone who was stuck in that little space too close to him. Haley learned to walk right after we moved to Des Moines, and it became her job to feed him morning and night. She would pick up the giant mug with all of his food in it and lug it over to his bowl and pour it in (sometimes better than others!).

Then he had his first seizure. It freaked me out and so I took him to the vet. The vet said she needed bloodwork and by the way, he needs his teeth cleaned, two checkups a year, heart worm test, tick and flea protection, blah blah blah... It was so hard to hear what was most important. I came home feeling like I was a bad owner and wasn't doing ANYTHING that I should.

I took him to a new vet that was suggested by my visiting teacher. Dr. Wayne was awesome! He said it was normal for some dogs to develop epilepsy and a little inexpensive medication would take care of it. Then he was fine. But eventually he began having "breakthrough seizures". He was already on the max recommended dose on the medication. He warned me that this was probably not epilepsy and I was shocked. Most likely, Rufus had a brain tumor and could become violent. It was best with Haley in the house to euthanize. After some bloodwork (thank you Grandma Kitty for paying), we found out that although it was the max dose, his blood showed therapeutic levels and there was some room for a little more. So we tried one more time.

Once they were controlled, we knew that it was our last ditch attempt to put off the inevitable.

He was seizure free for two weeks. Everyday I lived in fear. I never thought he would actually attack Haley, but I guess you never know when they aren't themselves. I always worried that he would have a seizure and I would have to follow through with what we had decided: Once Rufus had more break through seizures, there was nothing more we could do and we would have to follow the advice of the veteranarian for our family's safety as well as the well-being of Rufus.

The day came on May 11th when in the course of the afternoon and evening, he had 7 seizures, each progressively worse than the last. We had to make a very hard decision. The hardest decision I have ever made. He acted perfectly normal when he wasn't seizing. How could I walk my otherwise healthy dog into the clinic and say goodbye? How will Haley react? What about all of the friends and family that learned to love him? How will I explain it to them? How will I not blame myself? He was my answer to prayer. One of my very best friends that would snuggle me when I cried, keep me company at the park while Haley played, entertain me on an otherwise boring day. He always listened to my problems and never judged me. He gave me kisses when I needed them (and some times when I didn't!).

But I had to. Benjamin and I made the decision together. That night he spent some quality time on our bed with us, ate some twix bar, and got lots of love. In the morning, Benjamin made the call to the vet clinic because he knew I couldn't take it (thank you so much, honey). We fed him scrambled eggs and extra food for breakfast. He got lots of treats as we trained him one last time, and played fetch with the whole faimly. Haley gave him loves and kisses. We said one more family prayer where he sat in the circle with us like he always did, then it was time to go.

It was the most surreal trip I have ever taken. We dropped Haley off at our neighbor's house so she wouldn't have to be there. We walked him in and they took us back to the room. We talked for a few minutes, then it began. They gave him a cocktail injection in his hind end that had pain meds and a sedative. We held him while he got tired and began to lean on us. I held his head as it got heavier. Then Benjamin picked him up and put him on the table. He wanted to sit up, but when we told him to relax, he did. After about 5 minutes of love, sobs, and soft words, the doctor came back in to give him an overdose of an anesthetic and then he faded away. My heart went with him. We took off his collar, said our last goodbyes and left our sweet boy in the gentle hands of the verteranarian, who assured me he would be taken good care of.

He just turned three on April 4th.

I don't think I have ever cried so much in my life. Haley kept asking "Momma, you ok?" She was very good at giving me love and comforting me. During her nap we took all of his things and put them in the basement where they wouldn't be a constant reminder. Haley hasn't really noticed yet, except for when the rain on the back door sounded like Rufus wanting in, and she told us. In theory, she knows he went to live with Jesus. I really do know this is true.

I don't feel guilty about what I did. I know it was best. The spirit confirmed it to me and comforted me so much in the last few days. But my heart aches. I guess it will just take time. Although not the same, it kind of feels like I lost a child. If nothing else I lost one of my best friends.

I dread the time when I have to vacuum up the fir off the carpet, clean the nose smudges on the sliding glass door, wash the paw prints off of the linoleum floor in the kitchen. I'm scared to take Haley on a walk and I'm not ready to go back to the farmer's market. But I know that I will do it anyway, because I know his spirit is where it is supposed to be.

Bye bye, sweet boy.

We harassed him a lot...

The first time we met.

A Final Hug and Kiss.

Lsst time looking out the window together.

There are lots more pictures to choose from. These are in random order. They are all jumbled together, kind of like my memory. My sweet little 75 lb puppy will always be just that--- my puppy.