Why me?

I often hear people say things like, "why did God let this happen to me?"  It is often asked amid catastrophes we see on the news that breaks our hearts.

I am not someone who has had to suffer like a lot of people.  I have been blessed into a home with two loving parents, four sisters, one brother, and a stable place to live.  I never had to move, had the clothing and food I always needed (and probably more) and was raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  In fact, very few in the world are even as marginally blessed as I have been.  I have been healthy and had a great relationship with my parents and family.  I went to college where I got my degree in Mathematics Education.  That is also where I met the best man I have ever met, and he became my sweetheart for time and all eternity.  Once we got married, we had two beautiful little girls, also healthy.  My pregnancies were boringly routine and we had all the baby gear and clothing we needed for them too.  They are intelligent and have great personalities.

Benjamin is a very smart man who is also very driven.  We moved to West Des Moines, Iowa where he excelled in medical school.  Not to say I didn't struggle, but my life was truly blessed.

When Benjamin started his fourth year of medical school, I knew it would be a hard time.  It has actually been one of the hardest years of my life.  I wish to share some thoughts I have had about this time in my life, hoping I don't offend anyone with my complaints when my life is not as hard as theirs.

Leaving Des Moines was really hard for me.  We had to move (which sucks no matter what the situation is) most of our stuff into storage.  I had to think a year in advance and pack what I thought we would need for just over one full year, and make it fit in my van.  I had Haley, three and a half, and Alaina who turned one a week before we drove out of town.  I didn't know what to expect.  I had a calendar of where we would be living, some of which had a different location for Benjamin as the rest of us.  I knew I would have to adjust to other people's routines, homes, lifestyles... sometimes while also being a single parent (sort of).  I was really scared.

The drive from Des Moines to Idaho Falls was an interesting one, but we made it.  When we got there, I was so overwhelmed unloading the van into a bedroom in Benjamin's parents' basement that I broke down and cried.  I still feel bad about that because I hate making Benjamin always be the strong one, when I know things are hard for him too.

We later moved to Salt Lake City while he did his core rotation at the VA Hospital.  Sometimes he came home really late.  I didn't know anyone in the area, and it was so hot that we couldn't spend much time at the park without Alaina overheating.  We spent a lot of time at Walmart walking around in the air conditioning and playing in the toy section.  I didn't know what else to do to get out of the house.  None of us had friends, and Haley suffered a lot because of that too.  I did my best in our living situation, but it just wasn't working.  Eventually we moved to Spanish Fork, Utah a little less than an hour south of the VA in Salt Lake.  Benjamin finished out his third month in Salt Lake while we patiently waited for him to get off work and drive the hour and a half in traffic to come home to us.  Every night we went to bed around 9:30 (super early for us) so he could wake up before 4am to make it to work on time.  This living arrangement was more suitable for the girls because there was a dog and chickens and room to run around.  But we saw Benjamin a lot less and spent a lot more on gas and miles on the car.  Summer was a really hard time for me.  I was very stressed and had to try really hard to be happy at times.

When the summer ended, I was excited to move in to my parents house because of the stability it would bring my girls, but I dreaded leaving Benjamin.  When we drove towards San Diego, Benjamin drove to Denver.  There, he lived in an extended stay hotel by himself.  He has never lived alone and I believe he missed the noise of small children and someone to hug very much.  I had my parents and a few siblings close by, but still missed Benjamin terribly.  We talked to Benjamin on video calls almost every night.  We still did family scripture study and family prayer which helped us out a lot.

October Benjamin came to live with us and it was so wonderful.  We didn't have our own place to live, but I would have taken just about anything if that meant we got to be with him.  He was able to play with the girls and we were a family again.  Just before he left at the end of October, we found out I was pregnant with our third child.  Then he left.

November was Portland, Oregon, where Benjamin had a unique living situation, and I had morning sickness. I was also really sad to see him go again.  We were so blessed to find out that he had time off for Thanksgiving, and he was able to come home for a few days!  We didn't tell the girls and they were so excited.  It was what we needed.

December was Seattle, Washington.  We were still in San Diego while Benjamin rented an actual hospital room.  I think he saw daylight three times that month!  It was entertaining to see his bed really move up and down.  We were able to all fly to Seattle to see him that month too.  It was just a weekend but we tried to make the most of it.  Imagine me on an airplane (with a layover each way) while pregnant with a four year old and a lap child!  His attending had a moment of kindness and gave them Christmas off and told them not to come back for the rest of the month!  Benjamin was able to come home for Christmas and leave the day after my birthday.

January was one of the hardest months. He was in a suburb of Seattle living with a childhood friend and family.  He also had boards and interviews for residency.  We prayed a lot as to how to rank the programs after the interview process.  Through all of this time in San Diego, my girls made a few friends, we attended library programs religiously, and went to playgroup every week.  It was a long few months.  I missed my sweetheart very much.

February was nice because Benjamin did a rotation in San Diego again.  We knew we weren't going to be apart again and so things seemed to be looking up.  My pregnancy was going well, and he was able to be in town for the ultrasound where we saw I was having a little boy!  Benjamin was VERY excited.  He loves his girls and would have loved another, but instead of another girl he was having a MAN CHILD!  The only complaint I had in my pregnancy really was that I was always hungry and was bigger than I had ever been with the girls.  I figured he would be a big boy which freaked me out, but I was excited to meet him.  I was also stressed trying to figure out how I was going to be able to afford to outfit this new little guy since I had a lifetime supply of baby dresses but no boy clothes or blankets.  Having moved around, no one would have come if someone had decided to throw me a shower.  But people really were generous and gave me clothing even without one.

The day after my mom's birthday we left for Idaho.  Back to where fourth year began.  We enjoyed spending time with Benjamin's parents and had a slightly more relaxing time.  Benjamin was only required to work eleven of the twelve months of the year so we took May off.  The plan was to pack it full of fun things. Then Benjamin and I were going to go on a trip together without the kids to celebrate (and watch) his commencement!  Then we were going to move into an awesome townhome that we found in Salt Lake, where Benjamin matched for residency.

We did a lot of fun things and packed it full.  Benjamin and I went on a trip to Jackson, WY during the off season and it was super laid back.  We went camping and spent a lot of time together.  This month helped me feel better because of all of the fun things we did together, but I was getting stir crazy.  I was starting to struggle with not having my things.  I missed my own kitchen, my own routine.  We had so much help for the last nine of the twelve months that I felt guilty, but I wanted to feel like the parent again.  I wanted more control over our routine and just feel like I was home.  I always felt comfortable at my parents' and Benjamin's parents' house, but I wanted to feel settled and at home.  I couldn't help but laugh every time someone would ask us where we were from.  I never had a great answer to that question.

I was now bigger than I was when I had the girls, and I grew out of the dress I was planning on wearing to the banquet the night before graduation in Des Moines. I was stressed about my size but was still insatiable.  I was frantically trying to get everything ready for one of my sisters to take care of the girls, book flights, rental cars, hotel rooms, a moving truck, coordinate schedules...

A week before Benjamin's graduation, I had Adam.  (For that story you will have to read a different post.  This is already getting long...)  I was so excited for graduation and I couldn't  go.  But even more upsetting was that my son was super early and not able to come home.  We spent 24 long days in the NICU, watching Adam fight to survive so we could take him home.  We lived double lives: home with our girls, and at the hospital with our new son.  It was hard to remember we had three children because they had never been in the same place before.  We had two girls, and then separate we had one boy.  He was little and we had to learn how to take care of a baby with extra needs.  We were lucky to have Grandma Cathy and Grandpa Terry there with us so we could spend as much time in the NICU as possible.  We met many great nurses and learned a lot about insurance!  We had to rely on each other, especially when I felt like I had been kicked while I was down.  I got really sick for a few days and they wouldn't let me into the NICU to see him.  I was exhausted and emotionally drained.

I felt so helpless.  One night I was putting the girls to bed while Benjamin was at the hospital with Adam.  I felt impressed to open an old devotional app on my phone instead of our usual scripture study.  I was drawn to Adam's birthday, even though Adam had been in the NICU a while.  I absolutely believe that it was Heavenly Father sending me a message.  My life had felt like one hard thing after another.  At times the only thing keeping me going was that I knew Heavenly Father knew what I was going through.  Then this scripture was shown to me.  Mosiah 4:11-12 says, "And again I say unto you as I have said before, that as ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have tasted of his love, and have received a remission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your souls, even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God, and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come, which was spoken by the mouth of the angel.  And behold, I say unto you that if ye do this ye shall always rejoice, and be filled with the love of God, and always retain a remission of your sins; and ye shall grow in the knowledge of the glory of him that created you, or in the knowledge of that which is just and true."

I felt so helpless through the entire year, culminating in the birth of my son just days before the anniversary of when we left Des Moines.  I had no control over what was happening.  All I could do was choose how I was going to react.  I wasn't always graceful, but I did my best.  When Adam was struggling, I would look at him and know that there was NOTHING I could do for him but wait and pray.  I could see so clearly my own nothingness.  I had no control over my body when it went into labor; I had no control over whether Adam would breathe, remain warm, eat, or keep his heart rate steady.  I could clearly see my own nothingness.  And yet, my son was so beautiful, and a blessing, and a gift, and a miracle.  We had nurses who were answers to prayer.  I would see my two little girls sleeping in their beds and feel a little piece of heaven.

This was a hard year for me.  Honestly, I still am struggling with things.  We moved into our townhome late, with Adam just discharged and Alaina running a fever above 102.  When we walked in the door, it was raining inside.  It was flooded, our stuff was already in it, and it was bedtime.  Adam can't go into public yet. I can't even run errands or take everyone to the library.  We wash our hands all the time and change our clothes as soon as we come home because things like RSV survive on clothing.

But through everything that I have had to struggle through, I have seen the greatness of God.  I have seen my own nothingness and through it I have seen His long-suffering towards me.  He has supported me when people yelled at me and made me feel ungrateful and worthless.  He has supported me when I had emotional struggles being slightly homeless(in a way!).  He has picked me up when I was the only one around to take care of my kids, day and night for weeks on end.  He has carried me through more than three weeks in the NICU and chose to let my son get stronger and grow to be able to come home, when I couldn't.

I have seen the greatness of God.  So when people say, "Why me?  Why would God let this happen to me?"  I can now say that whether or not it was because of the poor choices of myself, others, or just life, God let hard things happen so I could, "always rejoice, and be filled with the love of God...." I have "grow[n] in the knowledge of the glory of him that created" me.

I know that hard things are just beginning in my life and will continue for the rest of my life.  But as long as I can hold on to the memories I have of seeing the glory of God in ways I cannot begin to describe, and his goodness, I can always rejoice.

Why me?  Because he loves me.

As I said at the beginning, I have always been blessed.

The Many Faces of Adam

 

MY DUE DATE! A Family Update

I['m sorry I ran out of time tonight.  I was going to post the last few days of Adam's NICU life, but that will have to wait for tomorrow.  I didn't want to miss the chance to post this today though.  Here is our up-to-date family update, with a picture of our little man! 

Today is my due date!!  A lot has changed in our lives in the last year.  It is crazy to think that our almost two month old should have been born today.  He acts like a newborn, and for a while he will be on the “corrected age” scale of development.  So if a baby was supposed to sit at five months, he will sit up five months from now.  He should catch up sometime before he turns two.

He is strong and likes to eat.  He still is super skinny but has been putting on weight like a champ.  He has had weekly weight checks because he really didn’t gain much of anything for a while.  When he was discharged, he was 25 days old but only one ounce higher than his birth weight.  (They want them to regain their birth weight 10-14 days after birth.)  He has since started gaining about an ounce a day, which is the top side of what they hope for.  His last weight check on Friday was 5 pounds 15 ounces!  So we have an almost 6 pounder.  My understanding is that he should be about what his birth weight would have been, so he is still really small.  On the premature boy growth chart, he is only in the 5^th percentile.  So he has a ways to go.  But he is looking less like the saggy baggy elephant and more like a little newborn baby every day.

 Since leaving the NICU, there were a few things I didn’t necessarily foresee that has been a unique trial in our lives.  Of course there are the (what feels like) constant doctors’ appointments that most newborns don’t have.  He was on antibiotics that can cause harm to his hearing so we have a special hearing test with a pediatric audiologist.  (He passed with flying colors!) Extra weight checks…  Things like that.  But the biggest dilemma for us has been his weak immune system.  He has not gotten sick, but we are VERY careful about germs.  No public appearances at all for at least two months.  So no grocery shopping, diaper runs, library programs, zoo trips…  We are a little stir crazy.  We also change our clothes as soon as we get home from church before we touch him.  (One of us has to stay home every Sunday from church to be with him.)

Our ward is also a unique group of individuals so there are only something like 10 kids in the entire primary.  So friend-making for Haley is going a bit slow.  We are super excited for Kindergarten to start for her so she can make some friends.  She has also been learning to read.  She gets bored quickly and starts to get busy doing other things, but is really good at reading when she takes the time to look at the page!  She is doing the book How to Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons.  It is amazing how much she can do after only going through something like the first 25 lessons.

Alaina is flirting with potty training.  I am not.  I help her when I can but I am not quite ready to whole-heartedly commit to it.  She likes to wear panties but has a few accidents every day.  She is talking like a maniac with a vocabulary I can’t begin to count!  She has a great sense of humor too.  It doesn’t take much for her to learn new words and uses them correctly.  She conjugates verbs and uses words like “me”, “you”, and “I” properly.

Benjamin started his residency on June 17^th.  He did two weeks in the podiatry clinic then started his first rotation of residency.  He has learned a lot in vascular surgery and will continue there through the month of July.  He will start anesthesia and general surgery in august.  We got the “Pass of all Passes” which gets us into a lot of things including water parks and he has loved that.  He takes the girls often and I got to go once when my mom was here to watch Adam.  Benjamin got to go down a “big scary” slide as Alaina calls it and we watched.  It was super intense.  He went down face first on a mat and went so fast he caught air twice.  He looked like he enjoyed it but definitely had big eyes!  His kind of fun.  Haley likes to remind me that if I tried to go on that slide, I would probably cry.  Which is completely true.

We have finally begun to settle down in our new townhome, especially thanks to my mom for coming to visit and help us unpack.  Routines are starting to set in, which is nice because we haven’t had a really great routine in over a year, or so it seems. 

I have had many thoughts running through my mind that I wish to write down, so I hope to post them soon.  Thank you so much for the many prayers and fasts on our behalf.  We have felt the benefits of those prayers.

So that is our family update for now.  The girls adore our new addition, as do Benjamin and I.  We are so blessed to have the family we do. 

Day by Day Part 2

Day 15 - June 1st, 2013

 Day 16 - June 2nd, 2013

 Day 17 - June 3rd, 2013      AND     Day 18 - June 4th
I was supposed to go to the first care of the day, but woke up in excruciating pain.  So Benjamin went and I drove myself to the doctor.  Long story short, I got sick REALLY fast with mastitis, which includes intense flu like sumptoms.  I was put on a high dose of antibiotics and dealt with the crazy high fever.  Meanwhile, Adam passed bloody stool and it felt like all hell broke loose.  He was put on NEC watch (Necrotizing Enterocolitis).  Basically he was put on bowel rest, so no food and IVs to support him and antibiotics.  He also had a big tube put down his throat to suction anything in his stomach and had x-rays every 6 hours.   It was set up for an initial 48 hours and then they would see after that.  He was uncomfortable and the tubes and IVs were not helping, so Benjamin said he didn't want to leave his side.  This is where is gets worse.  Guess who was locked out of the NICU for having a fever, even though we all knew the cause?  You guessed it!  ME!

I was NOT happy at all.  I have never had someone tell me I couldn't see one of my children before.  I spiked a fever that day, and again during the night.  I had to be fever free for 24 hours before they would let me back in.  So I stopped taking my temperature.  I'm kind of a pain sometimes.  But in all seriousness, I don't think I spiked another one.  I was careful to take the tylenol right on schedule and it was pretty clear when I had one.

So Benjamin sat there for almost the entire time, exhausted, watching our little guy suffer, and waiting to see the results of the next x-ray.  It was a hard time for sure.  I was told he would be going home soon, so I had let my guard down.  It was a blow I didn't expect.  Benjamin is so wonderful and strong.  I am so grateful to have him. 

Meanwhile, I couldn't even take care of my other kids like I needed to.  So Jake, Kristy and their 4 kids entertained the girls multiple days in a row.  It was also Abby's birthday, so they got to have extra fun with them.  They were a huge support to us.

 Day 19 - June 5th, 2013  I finally got to see him again and I was VERY happy.  I didn't get a picture of Haley but she got to hold snakes her male cousins found in the yard too.  Heaven help me because I have no idea what to do with boys.  I guess I will learn with this handsome little man!  We also got to spend a little bit of time together again and went to the park.

Day 20 - June 6th, 2013  First time he finished a bottle!  One feeding, without falling asleep.  One of the biggest challenges of sending home preemies is that eating is hard work.  He rocked this bad boy!

 

May 25, 2013 - Commencement!

I forgot to post this before...  OOPS!  Here was another awesome day in our family.

HOLY COW I'M MARRIED TO A DOCTOR!  Now our mail can say "To Dr. and Mrs. Benjamin Thomas".  That's pretty fancy.  It is something he has worked for his entire life, but it is still strange now that he has achieved it.

Today was commencement.  I didn't go in to see Adam until noon because we had a live broadcast of his commencement to watch!  What a blessing to be able to watch it as it happened.  Honestly the quality at times was not super awesome (there was only one camera and they wouldn't move it.  You couldn't even see the poor girl who sang the national anthem!) but it was nice to be a part of it.  My parents have a smart TV that is like 200 inches or something (I might be joking... a little!:) ) and they were able to watch it on the big screen.  The speakers were great and I really enjoyed it.  Benjamin and I texted during it so he knew what I was thinking and I got thoughts from him too.  It helped me feel more like I was there.  The girls really enjoyed watching the entire thing.  I thought they wouldn't care too much but they were right there the entire time.

Here is the picture my mom sent me showing them watching it on their TV!

Here is a print screen of the live streaming.  My sweetheart even looked right at the camera and gestured with his hand to acknowledge us!  SO FUN.  If you want to watch any part of it, you can find the entire commencement ceremony on youtube.  This is where he is getting hooded, just after they announce his name, "Doctor Benjamin A. Thomas".  I got butterflies and clapped.  My mom said that she think she startled my dad when she screamed!  She asked if I heard her.  From San Diego?  Probably not.  But I don't doubt that she got my Dad's heart pumping!

I am so grateful for my husband.  He is so wonderful.  He is a fancy doctor now that gets to start his residency.  He has worked so hard from the first day I met him.  He has only gotten smarter, more sensitive, and cool since then!  He has led our family through some great times, scary times, hard times, and everything in between.  He has made sure we did family prayer and scriputre study, even when it was on a video call during fourth year.  He once planned the lesson for Family Home Evening including visual aids and did it on skype.  He is the love of my life and I am so glad that I have a great excuse to brag about him and spotlight the greatness he shows in his everyday life.

 

Congratulations, love!  You did it!

Day by Day Part 1

Time to catch up!  Here is a picture from every day of the beginning of Adam's little life.

Day 8 - May 25th, 2013 - Today they started to wean him from his isolet!

 

Day 9 - May 26th, 2013  Benjamin is back!

 Day 10 - May 27th, 2013

 Day 11 - May 28th, 2013  In our NICU they have a strict policy about anyone under 18 seeing our little guy.  But we had some pretty great nurses so they unplugged him for a minute and let us show the girls through a window.  It was a special moment.  They loved him.  They especially loved his toes.  then we took them to the zoo to celebrate.  I don't know why I can't find more pictures of the zoo; they got to touch a snake and we had a great time.  The only picture I can find is of Alaina when she walked into a flower bed and sat on a wooden decorative goat.

 

Day 12 - May 29th, 2013

 

Day 13 - May 30th, 2013  Working on the bottle.  Not a fan yet.  And for the first time, you get a chance to see he actually has hair!  Here is the crib he as upgraded to a few days ago.

 Look at our cuties.  :)

 

 Day 14 - May 31st, 2013 He had a big day filled with visitors!  First was Uncle Casey and his girlfriend Darbi, then was Uncle Eric and Aunt Jilana.  Can you believe Eric was a micropreemie?!  I guess they do grow up!